A COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT SEPT. 2005

Recently, the struggle other parents in our position are facing in terms of coping with the human emotion side of all this has really started to nag at me. I feel I had to do "something", but let's face it: what can one person do? Well.... as it turns out, one person with some web space might be able to do a fair bit!

Below is a copy of a post I made on September 24th, 2005, on Australian parenting website, Essential Baby. From the responses received so far, this is felt far and wide in the community. So far, the unanimous "hear hear"s from women coping with people in their lives who, however wellmeaning, are often falling short of pitching their topics of conversation regarding their children at the right level, prove that people who have not experienced such loss need to be educated about the reality of how harmful or hurtful their innocent conversations may be with their friend/relative - harsh as that sounds.

My point when I wrote this piece was not to be a 'voice' for others. But somewhat comfortingly, it seems I am far from being the only grieving mum out there having trouble with this and I could not deny the importance and urgency that was felt as a collective group that something needed to be initiated to attempt to turn the tide and dispel some of the taboo. And interestingly, they also seem to be getting the same occasional ignorant suggestion that we should "go see someone" to talk to who is independent to the "situation".... If you are guilty of recommending this, please... don't do it! This is not the fix-all solution, as we can't make any counsellor tag along with us to help deflect comments and actions at family functions, the supermarket, work, etc.! As part of a balanced healing process, sure, some of us may feel better with the support of regular counselling sessions. But it cannot by any stretch of the imagination fast-track the grief process for us. I'm sure your suggestion was taken with good grace and thought of as wellmeaning, though, so no need to beat yourself up for what you may have said in the past.

The purpose of posting this here is to suggest what might be happening for the person in your life who has suffered a loss such as this, and how you might better support them with your action and words (or when appropriate, your very well-placed inaction and lack of words!).

"Consider this an expression of not only my feelings, as someone who has suffered great loss, but also probably similar thoughts to those who have also lost babies and endured repeated miscarriages (m/c's). I’m writing this out here in the hope that it might make some people think before they speak to someone in my position.

When I lost my child, the grief was more than I could bear. At the time, I thought it was tragic that I couldn’t be the one who had died in her place because I didn’t know how I’d cope with the pain of being left behind without her. Slowly, people started moving on – as one would expect them to. Even we started moving on eventually, smiling, singing, laughing more and more as the months went on. When you have to live (and believe me in the darkest days of the beginning, I did contemplate ways to not be here)… you might as well live to the fullest. And that we have - my husband and I are in some bizarre respects, the happiest we've ever been in our lives. So very full of life now.

Now, nearly two years on, of course my pain is not raw anymore. The void has almost closed over. But I am forever changed, a spark that I had in me previously is forever snuffed. See me and most days you will see the old me (older, wiser and less accommodating to pettiness than I was, but still me) – it’s only some days that I am wistful and sad. But, please, give me a break on those days, in those moments.

Many of you around me see me as ‘over it now’, especially since we have been trying to conceive (ttc) since losing our daughter. I’ve had 3 more m/c’s since May last year, we’ve recently tried IVF twice. So I can see how it might appear to you that I am firing with all four burners and I also understand that while you don’t think of my daughter at least once every hour of every day like I do, I am offended that you don’t remember more often that I am left with a constant longing which makes it very difficult to interact with you and your pregnant belly or your children. And the longer we wait for this elusive baby #2, the harder it becomes for me and for my husband to integrate the two into our lives and cope with "it all".

All this “progress” we are making with ttc is apparently a licence for some people around me to feel it safe now to talk about their happy families, their ongoing pregnancies, their adorable children. Minding my own business, during the course of my otherwise normal day, you call me and tell me you’re upset, that you don’t know what to do with me, that you don't know what I will do now? I don’t know what to do or say to me either, trust me! And that’s all ok.

You have stopped calling me because you are 'scared to offend' because no matter what you say you think it hurts me - please, with the greatest respect, get real. It's not about me having 'time out' to get over this and then all will be fine. I need your ongoing support and I think after years of doing the reverse, it's my turn now!

And with yet someone else, thinking it safe to joke with you about your recently announced pregnancy and say “Please forgive me if I don’t break out the streamers for you”, your partner has the front to come to me and say I should contact you to see if YOU are ok because you’ve been crying, you think you’ve hurt me. Give me a break! I cannot be responsible for you too.

I’m here to make it clear that most often IT IS NOT ok! I’m sorry that in me, you have lost a friend/relative that you used to rely on to sound off about the latest cute, melt-your-heart adorable, or alternately annoying, upsetting things your child/ren have been doing… Most days you will agree I’m very accommodating and will listen – my reactions of “awwww, ahhh!” are always genuine. When I am silent, that is genuine too - it means I don’t want to hear any more. I adore children, have always, will always – so don’t confuse my inability to listen with your projected view that it signals my hatred of your child! This is NOT the case. Hearing you speak makes me painfully aware of what I don’t have (but what I should be experiencing right this minute with my child who would now be 20 months). And if you are pregnant, hearing you speak about it reminds me that I have lost so many.

There is a difference between avoiding pregnant people, children, even the sight of a pram, and simply buffering some of the unnecessary stuff. Necessary would be seeing my nieces/nephews/young cousins as often as I like, necessary is seeing strangers in the street with bellies out to *here*, necessary is sharing the attention of my friends with their adorable young charges, with celebrating with friends or family the announcement of a pregnancy. These are things I can't and won't avoid, for the sake of moving ever forward. Unnecessary is where people like me need help from people like you - in simply filtering many of those things that are not absolute musts: stories about how sweet they look when asleep, when they move to solids, the tale about the friend of a friend of a friend who fell pregnant as soon as she looked at her husband..... not really easy or necessary for me to hear. I hope the difference is clear. I'm not by any stretch asking for blackbans on all things baby around me! That's not it at all.

So… the point of all this is to just request of anyone reading this: next time you interact with the person in your life who has suffered a neonatal death or the loss of a m/c (one or 10, it makes no difference), just think before you tell them the latest about your pregnancy or your precious child. Ditto for any comments you felt like making about how ‘clucky’ you are for another one. Don’t daydream with them, it’s completely inconsiderate. Whenever you can, choose someone who has not had trouble conceiving to share those feelings and stories with. If it means that person has to hear just one less cute anecdote from you, then you’re doing them a massive service. It doesn't mean they won't have a whole barrage of other comments from other insensitive people, but it's a start.

I’m not saying any of this with anger! Heck, we are all just doing our best and this still sometimes means unfortunately we’ll be hurt on the receiving end of someone “doing their best” (on either side) if you know what I mean. I guess I am only truly hoping that if just one of you out there considers the immense burden that pregnancy/child loss brings with it before you share with that person, and whether what you’re about to say is REALLY necessary for them to have to hear (despite the brave face the person you know may be wearing), then all is not lost in this world. I know it seems harsh to have to put a lid on your happiness with this person, but please please find someone else to share it with as often as you can remember. And no amount of bringing your child over to help them 'snap out of it' is going to help either. That attitude is just hardball and totally unforgivable.

My final disclaimer is that the situations I have spoken about here are a combination of experiences I have had personally, and of those in the same position as me (neonatal death/recurrent m/c) so you may see glimmers of yourself or someone you know in here. I'm saying all this with great love and respect, and have already talked at length with the people who I've interacted with in this way. I hope it paves a way forward for me and my friendships with them.

Above all else - communicate with your friend/loved one! They might want to immerse themselves in everything you're doing with your own babies. I think the main point is: don't assume. Don't assume they want to hear, don't assume they don't! Oh. I think I just figured out I have summed all that *up there* in this one paragraph so could have just posted a few sentences..... but what the hey, I'll leave it all in and you can judge for yourself.

Thanks so much for reading."

- Kirrily, 24 Sept. 2005